YOUR HORRORSCOPE

by Ken Melvoin-Berg


     Greetings you rotten bastards!  On September 11, not only did the
terrible events of terrorism hit the United States, but my store Minor Arcana
got looted that evening. We were robbed of almost all our merchandise, cash,
and a credit card machine. We did not have insurance so we are out of
business. We’ll still continue with classes and readings at a new location,
just check our web page for updates. You can reach me at 773-252-1389. Anyway
on with the horrorscopes!

ARIES:   You’ll be finding a new job this month because you get along well
with others (when you’re in charge!) and you look really nifty wearing that
paper hat.  Learn the phrase, “Do you want fries with that?”  The one you
love will start being nice again on the 13th, so don’t give up hope.

TAURUS:  Hey lard ass, lay off beer and fried foods or suffer health problems
on Nov. 17th. Also study a new instrument because your guitar playing sucks,
but no one will tell you  because everyone thinks you’re too nice. On the
upside you’ll get some booty by the 15th, or I’ll give you triple your money
back!

GEMINI:  Looks like your high school counselor was right about you becoming a
pimp after all! Job opportunities will be coming your way on the 9th. Also
look for love too go into the toilet again. At least your career is looking
up!

CANCER:  You’ll have to move soon because one of those pesky tornados will be
attacking your trailer park again. Normally, this same aspect would be good
for love, but you’re a Cancer, and that means you can’t get laid in a
whorehouse. But unlucky in love means lucky in imagination and opportunity
for side jobs and extra responsibilities. Good time for other partnerships
and new business until November 19th.

Leo:  Hey Leo, it’s a good thing you’re used to disappointment, because this
month sucks for you!  Money will be good, but only because of the large
amount of time that you’ll be working while everyone else gets to screw off.

VIRGO:  The band will get back together this month! What’s that you say,
you’re not in a band? I guess it’s time to start one then! Also other
partnerships will be positive around the 17th. Love sucks, again. Hahahahaha.
Beware of strangers bearing gifts on the 28th!

LIBRA:   Hey sexy thang! Libras will be sending out some kind of love
pheromone this month, so expect lots of stalkers. The job market will stink
and you won't get a raise. Make sure and send that special someone a card on
the 8th for “Stalker Appreciation Day.”  So if you get a boiled pet bunny in
return, just remember that sharing means caring.

SCORPIO: Happy Birthday you horny bastards. Sex. Sex. Revenge (Na, not this
month). The 13th of November will be positive for love as well as sex. Money
will be stagnant, but career will get some leverage with more opportunities.
Hamsters are dangerous on the 17th, so be careful!

SAGITTARIUS:  Video games will be your undoing. Your Sony Playstation will
cause you to miss an important business opportunity this month. Look out for
a relative to be sick around the 15th, sorry about that. Love will be good
and will only get better!

CAPRICORN:   Expect the return of an old girl/boy friend by the end of the
month. This will be a mixed blessing for you in business and love. Disregard
this however if you are a dealer in smut or videography. The 3rd will bring a
good chance for you to take your career to a new level. Finally a good month
for Capricorns.

AQUARIUS: This month Aquarians will all be getting new cars due to some weird
deal they made with Satan about trading their souls for a Lexus. Just
kidding, even he doesn’t deserve that kind of agony.

PISCES:  Lucky Fishy! You get money and love this month. The 14th will be
good for $$$. The 23rd will be groovy for doing the horizontal bop, well
every day is great for that, but the 23rd will be meaningful as well! Look
out for cats Nov. 16th!


This monthly column is courtesy of...MINOR ARCANA Learning Center   
Log on with them at: http://www.minorarcana.com