March BEAT

It’s been said, that April showers bring May Flowers. Well, being as nasty
as you all are, I guess that means our showers in April will be Golden
Showers (if you don’t understand this reference, ask your neighborhood slut
and she/he will explain it to you). May is going to suck, especially the
stock market, but also life in general will blow ass.

On a brighter note, Minor Arcana is moving and expanding! We will now be
located at our new and improved location across the street from where we are
now. Our new address will be: 1869 N. Damen Ave, Chicago, IL 60647.

   The move will be finalized on May 1st, 2001. Check out our web-page ‘cause
I’ve put a lot of work into it and would like some feedback. Find us in
cyber-space at: www.minorarcana.com

ARIES: This will be the best/worst month all rolled into one. You will have
an awesome birthday filled with wild sex, fun and surprises. Unfortunately,
all of April will be like that too, but the surprises won’t be quite as cool.
Look out for a toothless male stripper with bad whiskey breath. Happy
birthday to my beautiful wife Cherish (April 13th) and my Mom, Donna March
(24th).

TAURUS: Money, money, money! Taurus boys and girls will have more green
wrinkly dead presidents dripping from their pockets than they know what to do
with. Unfortunately, everything else will be screwed up, especially your love
life. On the bright side, with a few of those extra greenbacks, you could
always buy some nookie.

GEMINI: No jokes for Gemini this month because you guys will seriously have
the best opportunity of a lifetime to change, quit or in some way enhance
your career. Don’t screw this up, really look hard at your current job
situation and get ready to make a change for the better. This is a serious
time for you.

CANCER: Quit your constant whining Cancer, enough already! Yes, it’s true,
the universe IS conspiring against you.

Leo:   What's the matter little guy? Life got you down? Well it should, April
sucks. Your life will be like a Country/Western song this month (minus the
pickup truck).

VIRGO:   Hot sex and freaky love will be yours this month Virgo.
Unfortunately, it will not be with your significant other. Oh well, just
don’t get caught out in the open with the sheep and all that pudding.

LIBRA: If you could make up your mind quicker than once a century, your life
would become much easier. Since you won’t, bad decisions will hound you this
month. Have a great April, Libra.

SCORPIO: You’re an ill-tempered asshole! You either need a fistful of Xanex
or some really good sex. Stop it with the anger and everything will be just
fine. April 13th will be great for work and money.

SAGITTARIUS:   Break out the Preparation-H for April. Either an unexpected
pregnancy or lack of money will be a major pain in your stinky winky. Ouch!
If only it were hemorrhoids. Sorry Sagittarius.

CAPRICORN:   Sucks to be you Capricorn. April is bad. Just remember, at least
you’re not a Cancer.

AQUARIUS: You’ll finally find someone just like your mother to share your
life with in April. Remember to give her a little extra sex around the 23rd,
because even a 67-year-old nagging wench needs some action. What’s the worst
part about sex with a senior citizen? Depends…

PISCES: Money will be so stagnant this month you may have to turn tricks to
support your smoking habit. Oh, but you’re going to quit again, right? Liar!
Love will be great though.

This column is brought to you by
MINOR ARCANA
1852 N. Damen Chicago, IL 60647
773-252-1389
http://www.minorarcana.com
Ken@minorarcana.com