YOUR MONTHLY HORRORSCOPE!

by Ken Melvoin-Berg

    Greetings you rotten bastards!

   Summertime fun and loving under the Sun will be the things to do in
August. Enjoy the weather while it’s incredibly hot and sweaty because we’ll
all be bitching about the cold before too long. On with the horrorscopes!

ARIES:  Things are finally calming down in your love life, but that doesn’t
mean things are getting boring, in fact just the opposite. Freaky love is
coming your way. This means you get no drama and really good sex. Money will
trickle in slowly and then get better towards September.

TAURUS: Hot and steamy love with that “special” someone will be the key to
Taurus happiness in August. By “special” of course I mean someone who wears
plaid pants, works at McDonalds and has a name like Warren or Stanley.

GEMINI:   Geminis will be self absorbed and dominating in August. For once I
suggest you really listen to your partner. They actually have some valuable
insight this month. Money will be stagnant.

CANCER:  Money will be so slow this month you may have to turn tricks to
afford gas. Love will be great this month.

LEO: Leos will have one of the best times of the year. Except in love, but
what’s new? A new job opportunity will be coming your way and a little extra
cash. Unfortunately you want love. Oh well there’s always the mirror. 
.
VIRGO: Great news Virgo you’ll have that really cool job by the end of the
month. You never thought you could get your dream job, fortunately Fifi’s
Bijou needed someone to clean up after all the old guys in the raincoats.
Congratulations! Love will be stagnant...ummm...and sticky like the Bijou’s
floor.

LIBRA:  Opportunity abounds for Libras this month, especially for work and
money. If you play your cards right you may even get to play hide the
mushroom with someone special, and no this isn’t a reference to Taurus’s
horoscope.

SCORPIO: Sex! Sex! Sex! Revenge. That about sums it up for the whole month
(see Aquarius).

SAGITTARIUS:  Hot sex and freaky love will be yours this month Sagittarius.
Unfortunately, it will not be with your significant other. Oh well, just
don’t get caught out in the open with the sheep and all that pudding.

CAPRICORN:  You’re an ill tempered asshole! You either need a whole lot of
something illegal or some really, really good sex to stop all the anger
within and make everything just fine. Did I mention the sex part?  That’s
real important! August 13th will be great for both work and money.  But you
have to work to get the money so get off your ass!

AQUARIUS:   You are beautiful, smart, and people like being around you. Oops!
I’m sorry that was actually the prediction for Scorpio. Let’s see...
Aquarians...ahhh yes...you will have no good luck at all this month except in
the love department.  That means this month you will actually get some action
from someplace other than your hand.

PISCES:   Quit whining about your love life. Everything will be ok by the end
of August as you will finally meet someone who lives up to your expectations.
Just don't ruin everything by tipping more than a $5 in their G-string. You
can’t buy love pal. Congratulations to David-James and Sonya on the
announcement of their marriage.


This monthly column is courtesy of...

MINOR ARCANA  1869 N. Damen,  Chicago, IL 60647 

and...
            
MINOR ARCANA  Learning Center1867 N. Damen,  Chicago, IL 60647  
      
773-252-1389

http://www.minorarcana.com