STARGAZING

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20 ~ Feb. 18)

Water (that’s right, a little H2O) will play a very important part in your life this month. Do not be afraid to “jump in” when the time arrives. If you do not, you will only end up all wet and regretting.

PISCES

(Feb. 19 ~ March 20)

Before summer officially ends, you will find your soul mate. It will definitely NOT be love at first sight, in fact just the opposite. Things will flourish and become all you want it to be, once you take the time and discover what is underneath.

ARIES

(March 21 ~ April 19)

You are almost out of the forest, so to speak, in regards to the crappy love life you have been leading the last couple of months. You still will not find “love” anytime soon, but you will most likely get laid by mid-month. Just be ready to chew off your arm once morning comes.

TAURUS

(April 20 ~ May 20)

Drop trou, assume the position and take one for the team with that person at the workplace. You know they will barter nookie for helping to push you up the ladder. If not, there’s always that “other” position, the entry level job in the mail room.

GEMINI

(May 21 ~ June 20)

Take that vacation. Your life is soon to get busier than ever, due to more responsibility being laid on you. That’s the only thing being “laid” in your pathetic life though, so take that vacation now before you find it impossible to find the time.

CANCER

(June 21 ~ July 22)

Lots and LOTS of car sex...and/or out door sex...is likely to happen this month. Just not for you! You will have a unhealthy relationship with a tube of K-Y.

LEO

(July 23 ~ Aug 22)

It happened didn’t it? You got busted big time for telling so many untruths. Your lies will put you in the middle of a major shit-storm that will get worse before it gets better.

VIRGO

(Aug 23 ~ Sept 22)

You will be starting something new soon – a job, a new school, a relationship – but you will find it takes serious effort to make it a successful venture. No coasting through this one, it will prove to be quite challenging. Are you up for it?

LIBRA

(Sept 23 ~ Oct 22)

Someone close to you will be saying “goodbye” soon. You will be facing some tough emotional moments in the next couple of weeks, but you will get through. When life gets tough, grab a cold beer and a hot lover. Life will still be tough, but at least you’ll get drunk and laid.

SCORPIO

(Oct 23 ~ Nov 21)

There will be a fender bender or some other minor accident situation in the cards for you this month. That’s okay though, because you will meet someone due to this situation, who will affect the rest of your life.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov 22 ~ Dec 21)

There will likely be a fire in your future this month... No! Wait! That horrible burning you are destined to feel will not be flames, but rather that nasty STD you caught from banging that barfly in the parking lot two weeks ago. You could have avoided all this if you had run to the bathroom and popped two quarters into the vending machine. Always wrap that rascal!

CAPRICORN

(Dec 22 ~ Jan 19)

You know that “threesome” fantasy you have been having during those sticky kleenex sessions at night, just might be possible this month. The perfect candidate for a hot menage a’trois, will be found the last weekend in August pumping quarters into the juke box at Wild Goat’s Saloon in Highland.

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