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by Eric Steiner Back to top Midwest Beat Home | FEBRUARY HORRORSCOPES
by Ken Melvoin-Berg
It's February in the year 2000 and that means that it's time for your
horrorscope for love in the Nuevo Millenio. And it's also about time you
slugs got off your asses and into Chicago to come see my store! I'm not
getting rich from writing horoscopes for you guys, so come down to Minor
Arcana and buy something!
Minor Arcana is located at 1852 N. Damen Ave in Chicago (at the corner
of Damen and Moffat). We're open Tuesday-Saturday 12pm-8pm and Sundays from
12pm-6pm. We're closed on Mondays so don't even think of coming in then.
Anyway...on with the horrorscopes!
ARIES: Give your sweetie some extra freaky love and it will definitely help
your finances this month, and NO this is not a hooker joke. February 14th
will hold special surprises for you, so beware of flaming paper bags on your
doorstep.
Most compatible signs: Scorpio, Sagittarius and Leo.
TAURUS: "Who's your Daddy bitch?", will be the Taurus phrase of the month, as
you will be slapped around like a Division Street whore until Feb 23rd .
Watch out for power struggles both at work and at home. At least you still
have your health.
Most compatible signs: Virgo, Capricorn and Libra.
GEMINI: Ahh love! Isn't it grand. You will bust a cap in Cupid's cherubic
ass this month when you fall in love with an abusive, self indulgent control
freak with bad breath. A new business opportunity will be yours around the
18th.
Most compatible signs: Libra, Virgo and Aquarius (Ugh!).
CANCER: You will find love at White Castle this month, I'm just not sure if
it's a Jalapeno Slider or the skank working the drive-through window. Either
way it will be more action than you've had this Millennium. Feb 17th will
suck bad for you, stay in.
Most compatible signs: Scorpio, Pisces and Leo.
Leo: This year will be awesome for Leos in career and business. We won't talk
about romance though. At least your hand will be callous free from all the
lotion. Look to getting a new vehicle by the 21st, unless you like riding the
Bus.
Most compatible signs: Leo (And I don't mean you), Aries, Sagittarius and
Cancer.
VIRGO: At least 1999 is over!
Most compatible signs: Capricorn, Taurus, and Gemini.
LIBRA: Hello gorgeous! You will meet several new love interests in February,
unfortunately 30% will wear Depends (fragrant!), 20% won't have teeth (guys
usually don't mind this flaw), and 50% will be relatives. Raise in salary
near the 11th.
Most compatible signs: Aquarius (I guess we know what sign the 30% will
have), Gemini and Taurus.
SCORPIO: You are a stubborn prick! You either need a fistful of Xanex or
some really good oral sex. Stop it with the temper and everything will be
just fine. Did I mention the oral sex? The 2nd-7th will be very good for the f
inances.
Most compatible signs: Everything baby, you're a Scorpio!
SAGITTARIUS: Focus on your creativity and you will see a transformation this
month. A trip to Sweden will be needed to complete the change, so start
working on your Barbara Streisand imitation. Love bad, money good.
Most compatible signs: Leo, Aries and Scorpio (Yummy!)
CAPRICORN: Capricorn will prove to be the sign of public standing as you
make a total ass of yourself this month. This will put love on hold, as you
are a great embarrassment to your mate. Money will be great as you have no
other outlet than work.
Most compatible signs: Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn (Not you numbnuts!)
AQUARIUS: This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius and I will start being
nicer to you bastards. Oops, did I say that out loud? Love will be bad, money
good. Look out for the full moon on the 19th it will be really funky for
Aquarians. Happy birthday!
Most compatible signs: Gemini, Libra and Leo.
PISCES: Congrats to Gladys and Domino on your two month anniversary! Money
will be so stagnant this month you may have to turn tricks to support your
smoking habit. Oh, but you're going to quit again, right? Liar! Love will be
great in February!
Most compatible signs: Anyone who will put up with your whining.
This column is brought to you each and every month by...
Minor Arcana
1852 N. Damen
Chicago, IL 60647
773-252-1389
http://www.minorarcana.com
(website is coming soon!)
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