February 2001

YOUR MONTHLY HORRORSCOPE

by Ken Melvoin-Berg

       Greetings you rotten bastards!

      It’s winter and I’m writing this column from sunny Mexico. I predict you’re freezing your butts off while Cherish and I are getting tans and snorkeling. 2001 has really sucked so far (other than my vacation). Bush stole the election, hail to the thief! Big surprise there (not). I guess he got all the Spam eating, cousin-humping backwater rednecks to actually stop
beating their wives long enough to go and vote.

   And what about all the utilities going up 200%. And just in time for the next summer heat wave Com-Ed is going to raise their rates as well, just in time for rolling blackouts I’m sure.

    Screw the U.S., I’m moving to Mexico, at least the power works here, the gas is cheap and the person who gets the most votes wins the elections.

     Anyway, on with the Horrorscopes.

ARIES: You will be so lost this month you won’t be able to find your own pecker or love button without a road map. And hey, once you find it, don’t lose track of where it’s at Magellan. Most compatible signs: Scorpio (of course), Sagittarius and Leo.

TAURUS:    The sign of the bull is known for its greed and stubbornness, but this could work against your relationship this month. Remember that to get along you must work as a team, there is no “I” in Taur“us”. Most compatible signs: Scorpio, Leo, and Aquarius

GEMINI: Two love interests will try and hold Gemini’s attention this month. Neither one will be worth your time as they will both be disgusting hose beasts best used as receptacles for body fluids. Most compatible signs: Libra, Virgo and Aquarius (Ugh!).

CANCER: Cancer is the sign of whining, crying and moody bastards. Cancers are not worth a damn in February (or most other months for that matter). Just be adaptable and change your sign to one of the others. Most compatible signs: Scorpio (Naturally), Pisces and Leo.

LEO: You will find a new job offer coming your way this month from a close friend, but it’s not the kind you want, unless you like gerbils, tubing, and a lot of lubricant. Most compatible signs: Scorpio, Taurus and Leo.

VIRGO: Your fragile little ego will be squashed when you stick your “thingy” in your date’s hand and she says, “No thanks, I don't smoke.” Don’t think about this one too hard. Money will be good. Most compatible signs: Capricorn, Taurus, and Gemini.

LIBRA: Ahh St. Valentine’s Day and romance...boy love sucks! You might as well be dating a cucumber. In fact, you would probably get more action if you did date a cucumber. Visit the produce section of your local grocery as soon as possible before other Libras pick over all the good Valentine’s dates.
Most compatible signs: Aquarius, Gemini and Taurus.

SCORPIO: Sex! Sex! Sex! All you have to know about February, is that it’s your duty to please that booty. Most compatible signs: Everything baby, you're a Scorpio!

SAGITTARIUS:   Hot steamy love with that “special” someone will be the key to your happiness. By “special” of course I mean someone who wears plaid pants, works at McDonalds and has a name like Warren. Most compatible signs: Leo, Aries and Scorpio (Yummy!)

CAPRICORN: As the most boring sign of the zodiac it is the responsibility of all Capricorns to balance their checkbooks this month. That will be it for excitement for February. Hey, at least you're not an Aquarius. Most compatible signs: Taurus, Virgo and Scorpio

AQUARIUS: It’s been a while since I’ve told you this Aquarians, but you really suck. Happy birthday. Most compatible signs: Nobody!

PISCES: Picture 2 eels mating in a bucket of snot, this will be what your life feels like until February 14th. Then you’ll get laid and life will be good. Most compatible signs: Anyone who will put up with your whining.

This column is brought to you each and every month by...

MINOR ARCANA • 1852 N. Damen Chicago, IL 60647   • 773-252-1389
ON LINE AT: http://www.minorarcana.com      EMAIL TO: Ken@minorarcana.com