STARGAZING 

With: ALFONSE

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

HOROSCOPES

by  Alfonse  “the region’s rock ‘n’ roll guru”

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20 ~ Feb. 18)

Lots of affection and warmth with that “special someone” will fill your nights!  If you do not have a “special someone”, there is always a warm, fuzzy puppy awaiting adoption at the local animal shelter who dreams of cuddling up with a loving new owner.

PISCES

(Feb. 19 ~ March 20)

Love is not as good for the fishy folks as for Aquarians. You could lose your good thing if you do not make an effort to rekindle the romance in your life soon. Candles and wine could work, but remember that diamonds are a girl’s best friend and season tickets work wonders with most guys.

ARIES

(March 21 ~ April 19)

Sex in the morning, sex in the afternoon and sex at night – sounds great doesn’t it?  Too bad for you Aries that you won’t be getting any of it, since your “god of war” streak is showing right now. You first need to learn to bury the axe, if you want to “bury the sword” with someone under the sheets later.

TAURUS 

(April 20 ~ May 20)

Romantic dinners at home are in order.  Don’t be so bullish, just because that is your sign. You need to dish out some some heaping doses of TLC if you expect to get some returned your way. Your partner is weary of take out food and frozen Encore platters.  Get a bakin’ and soon your legs will be a shakin’ baby!    

GEMINI

 (May 21 ~ June 20)

“Love on the rocks...”, sings Neil Diamond and that is the way things are looking for you.  Don’t expect Cupid’s arrow to fly in your direction this month, because your love life has already been shot – to hell!

CANCER

 (June 21 ~ July 22)

This Valentine’s Day, please do not overlook the little ones who are in your life. They really need your attention and affection right now. Sit down and make Valentine’s Day cards with them, bake cookies, play a board game and bask in the outpouring of their genuine, childlike love.  There are only so many Valentine’s Days before they will be fully grown and gone.

LEO

(July 23 ~ Aug 22)

The Lion may be your sign lover, but you would be wise to walk past the Hallmark aisle at Walgreens in favor of stocking up on batteries, because solo-love is the only way you will roar this month.

VIRGO

(Aug 23 ~ Sept 22)

Chocolate is in your future Virgo!  It might be for eating, but it might also be for wearing and sharing, so get creative in bed and have an extra “sweet” Valentine’s experience.

LIBRA 

(Sept 23 ~ Oct 22)

Soft lights and soft music is not for you Libra. Shake off those silly romantic notions and get out to a local night club where the lights are bright, the music’s loud and your ability to shed your inhibitions is measured in shot glasses. Go pound a few and then, well...go pound a few. Your next lover awaits you under the neon’s glow.

SCORPIO

 (Oct 23 ~ Nov 21)

You heard of Romeo & Juliet, right?  See, love ain’t all it is cracked up to be.  Who needs it?  Not you.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov 22 ~ Dec 21)

          Oral sex is not “talking about it”. And it’s not “icky”. As a wise U-Boat captain once commanded – “Dive! Dive! Dive!”

CAPRICORN

(Dec 22 ~ Jan 19)

The New Year’s resolution was to perform a sex act in every room at least once and you are not even close to attaining that goal. Act like a naughty Catholic school girl and start going for the gusto!

It’s Valentine’s month, so get a “heart on” and start it pumping.    

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