STARGAZING

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20 ~ Feb. 18)

Play the ponies! Hit the slots! Gamble on love! Do it all this month, because you luck will never be better in 2004 than it will between July 15 and August 3.

PISCES

(Feb. 19 ~ March 20)

Sex in the backseat of mom’s car is not the way to lasting happiness, but you’ll find yourself “doing it” in the Dodge or some other unlikely place this month in your search for the perfect mate. Wrap the rascal!

ARIES

(March 21 ~ April 19)

Love still sucks big time for you this month and will not get better until fall... Get a box of tissues and some Jergen’s my friend and just ride it out. If you flirt you’ll hurt (in the sense of a burning sensation), so avoid making whoopee for a while longer. If not, at least stock up on anti-biotics you festering fool!

TAURUS

(April 20 ~ May 20)

A new job or a job promotion on the cusp here, IF you continue to play your cards right. Does that mean sleeping with the boss? It might. Even if they resemble Godzilla, the pay off will be worth it. With the money you’ll be getting you can drink your humiliation and pain away with Top Shelf stuff.

GEMINI

(May 21 ~ June 20)

Someone living in Whiting is wanting you really, really bad. Break down and take the time to give them some time and you just might have the romp of your life! If you play the lottery, then pick combinations consisting of even numbers. Evens will prove lucky for an odd one like you at least through the middle of August.

CANCER

(June 21 ~ July 22)

The air is clearing from the donkey fart fate you suffered last month. But even though things are getting better, don’t jump before looking, because life for Cancers is not all that rosy yet. Avoid the beach this month. Don’t ask!

LEO

(July 23 ~ Aug 22)

LIAR! You are going to get busted big time baby! You started spinning a web that is getting more and more tangled as each day passes. Fess up now to those involved and take your lumps before the whole thing explodes in your face.

Avoid going out alone to places like night clubs, for a while, because someone is looking for you and it isn’t to buy you a drink. Watch your back.

VIRGO

(Aug 23 ~ Sept 22)

If you’re in entertainment –– acting, music, modeling, etc. This just could be the big “pay off” month for you Spanky! That A&R guy, manager, casting director or agent could be the next person you meet, so work hard to be at the top of your game all month.

Virgos in the arts are going to have an especially good summer, so if you are planning to start a band, audition for a part or take that trip to L.A. or the Big Apple to get discovered...this is the time to do it!

LIBRA

(Sept 23 ~ Oct 22)

Make a stand Libra... Don’t be wishy-washy in your decisions. You are at the crossroads of something important and you have to choose your route and stick to your guns. Commitment is important.

Love is good for you, but be very wary of jealous friends who will try to ill advise you on matters of the heart.

SCORPIO

(Oct 23 ~ Nov 21)

Float like a butterfly and sting like a scorpion! That’s my advice to you. Don’t take any guff from anyone this month. You will be the best one to judge what you need to do. But keeping moving forward.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov 22 ~ Dec 21)

Sex is REALLY going to be good this month and quite plentiful. In fact, it looks pretty darn steamy for you at least until the frosty months hit. In fact, before the Harvest Moon weighs heavy in the sky, you may find yourself in the buff and still not getting enuff with more than one partner at a time!

CAPRICORN

(Dec 22 ~ Jan 19)

Be sure to keep your eyes towards the ground in the coming weeks. If you don’t, you will miss out on finding an item that will ultimately change your life in a positive way.

If you are planning to give up something, this is a good time to attempt it, because your will power is strongest during the summer months. Go ahead. Kick the cig habit, the drug habit, and/or kick that lying, cheating spouse out the door.

That’s all for this month my little stargazers!. May the heavenly orbs shine sweetly down upon you as you heed the advice and wisdom of the mighty Alfonse.

And may your woman’s heavenly orbs shine sweetly down upon me...while she’s on top and you’re at work!

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