YOUR MONTHLY HORRORSCOPE


by Ken Melvoin-Berg


  Greetings you rotten bastards!

  May pretty much sucked for everybody due to a rare Mars retrograde.This
means most people were fighting or getting ready to fight, and money was kind
of slower than normal. This month we not only get to continue on with that
Mars retrograde, but we also get a Mercury retrograde. More people are
familiar with Mercury’s affect, due to its problems with communication and
travel. This means June will suck for almost everybody but Scorpio and Aries.

ARIES:  June will be a great month Aries. The two major retrogrades are sort
of canceling each other out to make June good for sex and for money. And
without all the fighting we had in May! With a little Old Milwaukee, it just
couldn't get any better than this...

TAURUS:   Money will be great in June, but you’ll be working so much your
love life will be nonexistent. Trying to get laid in june will be harder than
Chinese Algebra, so don’t try.

GEMINI:   Happy birthday to both of your sides Gemini. Unfortunately, May
will suck like nobody’s business. Money will fade away, your car will
probably die, your feet will stink and you’ll probably get dumped.

CANCER:  You will have a strange, terrible wonderful month all rolled in to
one. Your love life will be the best it’s ever been. You will probably lose
your job if you have one.

Leo: A skeleton from your past will come back in to your life, and no this is
not a reference to Allie McBeal. If you’re a musician this will be a time of
opportunity for you, but your drummer as always still sucks. Money will get a
whole lot better.

VIRGO: This is a good month to change signs Virgo, I suggest Aries or
Scorpio. Life sucks and so does June.  Now if only that girl at the end of
the bar would. Barkeeper another shot!

LIBRA:  Your ability to communicate this month will be about as timely and
understood as a Presidential election. In other words you won’t be understood
at all. Try to keep talking to yourself because at least you’ll be understood
that way. Because of this romance will be bad. But money (long term) will be
good.

SCORPIO: Sex! Sex! Sex! You’re gonna get some booty. And believe it or not
money will be good too. Wow June rocks! Don’t expect this again until
November.

SAGITTARIUS:  Sagittarius is the sexiest sign of the zodiac, and this month
you will be even sexier than normal. This is really a shame, because the only
people that are attracted to you are either psychotic hose beasts or are so
easy, that their only requirements are three legs and a pulse. Money will be
the best it has been all year.

CAPRICORN:   Money will be so bad that the only raise you will see this month
is in your waistline. Time for a diet tons of fun. Well that comes with age
though doesn’t it. Other than getting old, fat, and poor things are going
pretty well.

AQUARIUS:   Aquarius sucks. In fact they suck twice, in honor of Gemini’s
birthday.
 
PISCES: Most Pisces will be ending bad relationships this month. Egos will be
fragile. All other signs remember, Pisces chicks are kind of slutty to begin
with, and if they’re on the rebound they’re easier to lay than shag carpet!
Extra work will come your way also, and no, I don’t mean horizontal work.
Pervert.


This monthly column is courtesy of...

MINOR ARCANA  •  1869 N. Damen  Chicago, IL 60647              
http://www.minorarcana.com   •   773-252-1389