March BEAT

Your Monthly Horrorscopes

by Ken Melvoin-Berg

       Hey you rotten bastards!

     It’s March which normally means spring, but since we live in Chicago we
will be hit with a huge blizzard that we should’ve got in January. As you
know there are only two seasons in Chicago, winter and Road Construction.
Check out our new website and thanks to Dawn and Teresa for the help.

     Anyway, on with the Horrorscopes.

ARIES: See Aquarius.

TAURUS:   Hot monkey love will be coming your way in march. Money will suck
(as always), but at least your getting some booty.

GEMINI: “The Houdini” is a bizarre sexual act where you’re going at it
doggy style then pull it out and spit some saliva on her back. When she
turns around to cuddle, give her a good blast in the face and see how amazed
she is! This has nothing at all to do with your horoscope I just wanted to
share.

CANCER: Masturbation is the key to success for you Crab people this month as
any potential partners will turn into love barnacles. Money will be better
than normal and you might move soon, so save your bucks.

Leo: Hello gorgeous! I just can’t help telling you how beautiful you are.
Don’t you agree? Of course you do. Get a new drummer for your band, as the
current one can’t carry his gear let alone a beat.

VIRGO: Money and responsibility will increase in March as your current job
demands more of you. Unfortunately, your love life will suffer because of
this. Fortunately this will help keep the blow-up love doll industry in
business.

LIBRA: You’ll probably be arrested this month for something, you either did
in December, or something really obscene. When you’re in Cook County Jail,
remember not to accept smokes from anyone they call “The Anaconda.”

SCORPIO: Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the sexiest of them all? Why you
are. But beware of attracting too much attention from anybody you don’t want
to see naked. Money will be abundant, but will have strings attached to it.

SAGITTARIUS:   Beware of anyone named Jim this month. Love sucks, you’re
getting older, but you do have your health. Money and work will be stagnant.

CAPRICORN:   OK, Capricorns you’re not really the most boring sign of the
zodiac, in fact you’re the least boring. But only when you’re giving me a
lap dance or letting me see your cleavage. This does not count for anyone
named Ken. Look for an increase in money through a strange source.

AQUARIUS: Life is full of yummy goodness. You will have at least three
lovers that have money, good looks, and make love like a stallion. You will
also make more than you have in years. Oops, I’m sorry... this column was
meant for Aries, not Aquarius. Everything will continue to suck for
Aquarians...as usual!

PISCES: This is a great month for Pisces. A new business opportunity will
give you a chance to start something new and financially rewarding. You’ll
also get great oral sex on your birthday...that’s right you’ll talk about it
all freakin’ night...what you thought I meant something else?

This column is brought to you each and every month by...

MINOR ARCANA • 1852 N. Damen Chicago, IL 60647   •   773-252-1389
Log on at: http://www.minorarcana.com     -- or emailat --
Ken@minorarcana.com