March BEAT

YOUR MONTHLY HORRORSCOPE

by Ken Melvoin Berg

Greetings you rotten bastards!

    Before we get into all the gloom and doom that the stars are predicting
for you this month, please note that Minor Arcana has moved it’s location.

    We are now located at our new and greatly improved location across the
street from where we had been. Our new address will be: 1869 N. Damen Ave,
Chicago, IL 60647. Our phone number is still 773-252-1389. Find us in
cyber-space at: www.minorarcana.com

ARIES: “Who's your Daddy bitch?” will be the Aries phrase of the month due
to the Mars retrograde. You will be slapped around like a North Avenue whore
starting May 10th. Watch out for power struggles both at work and at home. At
least you still have your health.

TAURUS:   Taurus you will actually have a great month, great money, great
sex. Happy birthday too.

GEMINI: Great news Gemini you’ll have that really cool job by the end of the
month. You never thought you could get your dream job, fortunately Fifi’s
Bijou needed a jizz mopper. Congratulations! Love will be stagnant.

CANCER: A job change is in your future, hopefully you can learn to say,
“You want fries with that?” And remember paper hats can look really cool.

Leo: Communication will improve with your loved one around the 21st, before
that love will just suck. Money will be great. I guess you better buy a love
doll in the beginning of May.

VIRGO:   Your life is boring, your job sucks, and your love life is getting
worse by the moment. But you will be buying or renting a new house, which is
great other than the fact moving sucks. Happy May.

LIBRA: All Libras will be migrating to Antigua in May. Look for money from a
man dressed in red who is carrying a fish.

SCORPIO: Hooray, hooray for the 1st of May outside sex starts today.
Uh-oh...Mars is retrograde this month. That means no sex, no freaky love, and
lots of arguments. Guess the only “sex on the beach” you will get this month
will be in a shot glass.

SAGITTARIUS: You will be a self-absorbed dickhead in May. For once I suggest
you really listen to your partners wants and needs. Money will be great.

CAPRICORN:   Capricorn will prove to be the sign of public standing, as you
stand to make a total ass of yourself this month. This will put love on hold,
as you are a great embarrassment to your mate, offspring and friends.
Finances will be great as you have no other outlet than work.

AQUARIUS:   You will find love at White Castle this month, I’m just not sure
if it’s a Jalapeno Slider or the skank working the drive-through window.
Either way it will be more action than you’ve had so far this year. May 10th
will start the worst week of the month.

PISCES: Life’s a bitch and then your love partner becomes one. Neptune is in
retrograde which means you will not get along with anyone, even yourself.
Unfortunately that makes all love including “self-love” impossible. May will
suck but your girlfriend won’t...

This column is brought to you by...

MINOR ARCANA • 1869 N. Damen Chicago, IL 60647 • 773-252-1389

http://www.minorarcana.com

ken@minorarcana.com