AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 ~ Feb. 18)

Unlike the cheesy Fifth Dimension song about your astrology sign, things will not be all sunshine and happiness for Aquarians this month. More tricks than treats!

PISCES (Feb. 19 ~ March 20)

After a peace-filled month with nothing earth-shattering happening in your life, you will find your world rocked by a series of events that will have dramatic impact on things down the road a way

ARIES (March 21 ~ April 19)

Love totally rules your month, which is ironic since your sign is named for and governed by the god of war. Still, you will be just like the folks who populate that R.E.M. song, “Shiny Happy People.” Enjoy it while it lasts

TAURUS (April 20 ~ May 20)

This month will find you either out of work, out of cash, out of love, or a combination of such. You were warned to grit your teeth, swallow hard and do what you had to do to survive the tough situations you faced in late summer. Now you are feeling the consequences of your hesitation.

GEMINI (May 21 ~ June 20)

Your hard work is starting to pay off Gemini. People are starting to recognize your value and your worth. Just pace yourself or you will burn out before you get what you deserve out of life for all your efforts.

CANCER (June 21 ~ July 22)

So...how’s granny’s cookies tasting Don Juan? You are scraping so low these days that you have to look up to see if its raining or if ants are pee-ing on you.

LEO (July 23 ~ Aug 22)

Now that you are facing the facts and facing the truth about that situation that had you all twisted up inside, you are on the road to self-improvement and happiness.

VIRGO (Aug 23 ~ Sept 22)

Life is a little rocky for you right now Virgo, but keep your chin up and things will turn out all right. You will emerge much stronger and wiser in the end.

LIBRA (Sept 23 ~ Oct 22)

Nothing gets any better for you this month. Continue to drink heavily.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 ~ Nov 21)

Education is important this month for Scorpios. You will have the chance to learn something that will be very valuable in the not too distant future.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 ~ Dec 21)

Quit sleazing around. If you do not, your lustful ways and kinky appetite will bite you in the ass soon. And NOT in the way you like.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 ~ Jan 19)

You have finally found that special someone after all your bed-hopping adventures. You need to clean up your act now though to keep this person in your life. A lover from the past will soon bump into you during Halloween festivities. They will try to rekindle the old passionate spark, but you must avoid falling victim to their charm at all costs. Such a romp in the hay will have terrible consequences.

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