YOUR MONTHLY HORRORSCOPES

by Ken Melvoin-Berg


      Greetings you rotten bastards!

    It’s almost Halloween! My favorite time of year. Which means it’s time
to send me lots of presents (my birthday is October 30, Devil’s Night!).
Minor Arcana is Chicago’s headquarters for all things to do with real
Witchcraft. In fact we are starting two new classes at our Learning Center!
“Wicca 101” starts October 13th, and “Green Witchcraft” starts October
14th.  If you or anyone else is interested in these classes or all the other
classes we offer, call us at 773-252-1389.

ARIES:   Aliens will come down and replace all your furniture with exact
replicas this month.  A change of jobs may happen on the 4th of October.  You
will be eating doughnuts and drinking cider on the 24th. Expect love to get
better towards the end of the month.

TAURUS:   It’s finally over for Taurus people on October 6th.  They will all
die of a strange disease that affects only people born under the sign of the
bull.  The good part about that is your love life problems and money troubles
will be over as well!  Enjoy the afterlife! :)

GEMINI:  Both sides of your split personality are going to finally agree to
that trial separation they’ve been yelling at each other about for years. 
But only until October 8th.  Then we will see the old you back in a grand new
gesture of sexual deviance involving a chicken and some Jell-O.  Career will
take a leap forward on the 13th, especially for those Geminis who are in the
poultry business.

CANCER:   You must move to North Dakota or perish!  On the up side you’ll get
some money or a gift around the 10th, if you’re still around.

Leo:  Your dead drummer will come back to life on the 31st.  You will be
arguing with a love interest on the 13th, and you might win if you can find a
place to argue that has no mirrors.  Mirrors always distract a Leo into
checking their hair or makeup.
 
VIRGO:    October 7th is the date of the big Virgo and “I’m a picky anal
retentive bastard!” convention in Reno, Nevada.  Don’t forget to organize
your undies before you go.  The 14th of October will be a good time to search
for a new job, and everyone knows that Virgos always have the best resumes.

LIBRA:   Happy Birthday Libra!  It should be an enjoyable celebration for you
if you can: (1)  Be on time for once and (2) Make up your damn mind about
where you want to go.  Lots of presents and happy good fortune are on its way
for a rotten devil just like you.

SCORPIO:   Sex!  Sex !  Sex!  No revenge this month.  Remember it’s my
birthday on the 30th so send me lots of stuff.  For all you other Scorpios,
there will be huge changes coming for you in the month of October, especially
in love and romance. Arguments on the 12th will lead to big making up on the
23rd that will last for 48 hours.  I hope you have easy access to Viagra
because you will need it at least by the 12th time.

SAGITTARIUS:   So sorry Sag, but your love life will remain the same –
stagnant as a mud puddle.  A raise or promotion will be coming on the 11th or
23rd.  I guess that means you will become the head bartender, so don’t forget
your knee pads.  Get it?  Head  bartender!  God I’m funny.

CAPRICORN:    Capricorns will be very artistically incline this month,
especially around the 24th.  In all seriousness, don’t waste this
opportunity, this aspect happens very rarely and never for Capricorns!  So go
buy some crayons for heavens sake!

AQUARIUS: October is Aquarius amnesty month.  I will say nothing bad about
Aquarians until November (at least in published periodicals!).  But I won’t
say anything good either.  Be careful about that asshole at work, there may
be a conflict on the 28th.

PISCES:  Great month financially for Pisces, in fact the best all year!  That
means you can afford to buy me a nifty present for my birthday! 
Unfortunately for you, lucky in cash means unlucky in love.  Look to October
30th for the day of romantic destruction.  On the bright side, at least you
can afford a hooker.

This monthly column is courtesy of...

 MINOR ARCANA  & MINOR ARCANA Learning Center
1867-1869 N. Damen  Chicago, IL 60647         
773-252-1389   ---   http://www.minorarcana.com